I Remember

I am watching “Rumi & Jawi” and Rumi’s (the delectable Remy Ishak 😜) sister had just passed away.

I am reminded of the time when Allahyarham B left us. When Allahyarham B chose to leave us.😭 I don’t know how I walked out of the cemetery that evening we buried him. I just remember putting one foot in front of the other, how heavy each leaden step felt.

I remember my husband’s arms around me, almost propping me up.  It was right before the Maghrib adhan that the burial was completed. The saddest sight for me, and I am sure it will remain the saddest one till the day I die… was of Allahyarhamha Mummy, in her wheelchair watching her eldest son, whatever was left of him wrapped in the white kafan, being lowered into the ground.  She was at the end of her own battle with cancer back then… her final months in this temporary dunia with us.  Allah SWT took her back 5 months later.

Just like the character of the mother in this drama serial, it took a while for me to get used to the idea of not having my loved one around anymore.  There were so many times when I’d go to Mum’s and I would forget that he was no longer there anymore. I’d stand at the foot of the stairs to the upstairs TV den (or what we call our ‘surau‘) and call him by the nickname I have called him since we were kids. For years I would do that and he would answer “Yerrrrpppp” and bound down the stairs and greet me with his brightest smile. Now there’s only silence.

A dark silence that breaks me.

I cannot express in words the abysmal void his passing has left in my life. An abyss of emptiness that nothing can ever fill. He was my closest sibling, my bestfriend, my confidant, my advisor, my cheerleader, my jester, my wingman, my partner in crime.  I am bawling as I type this… to say I miss him would be the most egregious understatement.

I think of him every day, even now… more than a year after that cursed date of 5th March 2015…. when he decided to leave us… in the most horrific way.  Perhaps it’s the way in which he left us… or the fact that he chose to leave us… that has made everything still so difficult for me to accept and deal with.

I still cannot bring myself to go to his grave. I can go to Mum’s grave and maintain my composure because I had the ‘luxury’ of time to mentally prepare myself for her… departure. (IMO, nothing can ever emotionally prepare one for the loss of one’s MOTHER.) Since they passed away within 5 months of each other, their respective graves are just a few metres away in the same cemetery.  Allahyarham B’s grave is within sight of Allahyarhamha Mummy’s grave and I just CAN’T even catch a glimpse of his name carved on the granite of his grave without falling. to. absolute. pieces.

Each and every time.

May Allah SWT grant me strength, patience and true redha to accept this loss.

اللهم اغفرله وارحمه وعافه واعف عنه

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Prison

Dear God,

I know I’m not supposed to complain. I also know You won’t burden me more than I can bear.

Right now I’m entirely feeling my puny human self because I’m tired and I don’t know if I can carry on with the way things are any longer.

I’m tired of the bruises and the cuts and the bites and the scratches, the scars that they leave that are a testimony to the prison of misery I find myself in.

Yes, a prison… because I can’t leave.