Sugar

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The sublime  R e z a   R a h a d i a n   M a t u l e s s y
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The more the merrier? 😉

Baperrrr….

Been  watching  his  movies  nonstop  for  the  past  several  days,  starting with “S u r g a   Y a n g   T a k   D i r i n d u k an   2” at the bioskop 😉

Unlike my BFF of yonks who thinks she has a chance with a Tony Award-winning Broadway actor (who has a lot of time for his fans, admittedly), this realist knows that even though the probability that R e z a  plays on the other team and rides the Hershey Highway is almost certain… it doesn’t make a bleddy difference. As covetable as he is, we might as well be living on different planets ~ his world and mine… never the twain shall meet. He’s just a dream.  A fantasy.  An escape.

My mental  escape.

My escape from all that beleaguer and weigh me down. An escape from what IS to what I wish things WERE.

I am just so T-I-R-E-D  of the way things are now.  The way things are going, I don’t think there is any change in sight and the prospect of that weighs me down like no other.

So I escape into the virtual arms of this talented, insightful, sensitive, intense man… whose immense talent allows him to play a myriad of vastly different roles to the hilt, like no one else can. A consummate actor whose dark good looks don’t exactly make it difficult to glue my eyes to screen, either 😅

I want my own  Dr.  S y a r i e f.  I don’t want to have to dumb down anymore.

**pics are from the @official p i l a r e z  IG account.

I Remember

I am watching “Rumi & Jawi” and Rumi’s (the delectable Remy Ishak 😜) sister had just passed away.

I am reminded of the time when Allahyarham B left us. When Allahyarham B chose to leave us.😭 I don’t know how I walked out of the cemetery that evening we buried him. I just remember putting one foot in front of the other, how heavy each leaden step felt.

I remember my husband’s arms around me, almost propping me up.  It was right before the Maghrib adhan that the burial was completed. The saddest sight for me, and I am sure it will remain the saddest one till the day I die… was of Allahyarhamha Mummy, in her wheelchair watching her eldest son, whatever was left of him wrapped in the white kafan, being lowered into the ground.  She was at the end of her own battle with cancer back then… her final months in this temporary dunia with us.  Allah SWT took her back 5 months later.

Just like the character of the mother in this drama serial, it took a while for me to get used to the idea of not having my loved one around anymore.  There were so many times when I’d go to Mum’s and I would forget that he was no longer there anymore. I’d stand at the foot of the stairs to the upstairs TV den (or what we call our ‘surau‘) and call him by the nickname I have called him since we were kids. For years I would do that and he would answer “Yerrrrpppp” and bound down the stairs and greet me with his brightest smile. Now there’s only silence.

A dark silence that breaks me.

I cannot express in words the abysmal void his passing has left in my life. An abyss of emptiness that nothing can ever fill. He was my closest sibling, my bestfriend, my confidant, my advisor, my cheerleader, my jester, my wingman, my partner in crime.  I am bawling as I type this… to say I miss him would be the most egregious understatement.

I think of him every day, even now… more than a year after that cursed date of 5th March 2015…. when he decided to leave us… in the most horrific way.  Perhaps it’s the way in which he left us… or the fact that he chose to leave us… that has made everything still so difficult for me to accept and deal with.

I still cannot bring myself to go to his grave. I can go to Mum’s grave and maintain my composure because I had the ‘luxury’ of time to mentally prepare myself for her… departure. (IMO, nothing can ever emotionally prepare one for the loss of one’s MOTHER.) Since they passed away within 5 months of each other, their respective graves are just a few metres away in the same cemetery.  Allahyarham B’s grave is within sight of Allahyarhamha Mummy’s grave and I just CAN’T even catch a glimpse of his name carved on the granite of his grave without falling. to. absolute. pieces.

Each and every time.

May Allah SWT grant me strength, patience and true redha to accept this loss.

اللهم اغفرله وارحمه وعافه واعف عنه

Schadenfreude

Moe the Iraqi Leech is back in town. He finally obtained his Canadian citizenship and is now back in Malaysia “looking for a job”. Good luck with that la bai. He contacted me almost as soon as his plane landed! Started going on as if the past 8 years did not happen and that I will just fall back into his arms and start bankrolling him AND HIS ANNOYING FAMILY like I stupidly did before. Apakepundek? I was a lonely, vulnerable divorcée when I met him and felt I needed to buy love to get it. Even though I could have gotten it without doing so… from others. I don’t understand myself sometimes… *facepalm* BODOH!!

I told him like it is… “what did you expect?” I actually toyed with the thought of leading him on like he led me on… just for the schadenfreude of it all… for sweet revenge… but I dunno, since 2010 I am not the biatch I used to be. I might still do it… but I have stopped entertaining his messages and have made it clear in no uncertain terms that things. are. different. now.  I have remarried and there is no way I am going to be so “kind” as to bankroll his life anymore.

His Mum is now suffering from kidney failure. My heart goes out to her… and the family.. but enough is enough lah makcik.

Makcik, I remember the time you would use me and suck me dry. We would go for a stroll through a shopping mall and you would hit me up for ribu-raban winter coats, Guerlain cosmetics and the such. When I took off the citrine ring given by my mother to wash dishes at your place, without a thought nor care for my feelings… you took the ring and put it on your finger… wanting to claim it as your own. Coz by that time you had already gotten everything so easily from me that you felt whatever you wanted you surely MUST get.

And then what happened? You couldn’t take the ring off.

Your finger started swelling and you started crying and stamping your feet like a petulant 4-year old in pain. I secretly wanted to laugh at you, watching your son desperately try to get the ring off your finger.  If I were royalty sure ada orang dah kata terpalit ‘daulat’. LOLOL

The ring managed to come off and you gave me such a dirty look after that as if it was MY fault you couldn’t fit the ring. Yalah, badan aku aje gemuk… tapi jari-jemari aku kecik la… ikut mak aku. Padan muka kau!

I also remember the time when some friends of your son MoePantat invited him and all of you for a Raya do. All you did at the do was criticise EVERYTHING about the hosts house, the food, their family… you think I didn’t understand what you said? I felt bad for the hosts.  They were kind enough to invite you into their humble home and you acted as if you were the Queen of Frikkin Sheba. Hel-lo… your son’s apartment in Pantat Dalam ain’t all that either… so go cermin yourself first.

What about the time I brought you Philistines for a show at the MPO? You made loud disparaging comments throughout the entire show… I wished the ground would just open and swallow me up. Lesson learned… never bring sakais to civilised, artistic performances at the MPO Hall.

I am starting to think there will be a whole slew of #moepantat entries in this blog.

Purging is sooooo liberating!

YASSSSS!

 

Morpheus Jokes

Orang tua-tua kata mimpi itu mainan tidur.

I had the strangest dream last night, of The Cat in the Hat. He’s an old friend from a time in my life that I would rather forget. The Cat and I had, we had a strange ‘dynamic’ between us.  We were attracted to each other but I was his BFF’s “squeeze” at one time, so even when it ended between his friend and me, hooking up would have been … awwwkward.

He and I, we are both Leos. Our temperament, our character, our gregariousness (although his tended to be on the over-flamboyant, sometimes cringe-making side 😅), the way we wore our hearts on our sleeves… we were alike and got on like a house on fire. The reason why he is called The Cat in the Hat is because he has a penchant for linen suits, garish ties and straw panamas, worn with great panache and a flash of the debonair. The Cat is good-looking, being of Sino-Russian blood. He has a heart of gold too, which made me warm up to him so much more compared to his BFF, in retrospect.

The Cat left the country many years ago, to start life anew in the country of his birth, where his Mum is. We have lost touch completely, although he is still in my friends list on the Facebook account that I rarely (if ever) log on to.

Last night I dreamt that he came back to KayHell to take me back with him to that sleepy seaside town on the English Channel. When I told him I can’t possibly go with him, he said you’re mine.

I never appreciate anyone laying claim of ownership on me because I belong only to God… but in that dream I remember getting the warm fuzzies hearing him say that.

Oh dear. *rolls eyes*

I don’t know and don’t really care about the subliminal messages that the dream may contain. Perhaps I am just missing the easy friendship that he and I used to have.

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Prison

Dear God,

I know I’m not supposed to complain. I also know You won’t burden me more than I can bear.

Right now I’m entirely feeling my puny human self because I’m tired and I don’t know if I can carry on with the way things are any longer.

I’m tired of the bruises and the cuts and the bites and the scratches, the scars that they leave that are a testimony to the prison of misery I find myself in.

Yes, a prison… because I can’t leave.

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Sometimes I just want the world to stop.

Stop the carousel, I want to get off.

O Big Blue Marble, stop spinning, stop turning, stop making time march on… because sometimes I feel I cannot deal.

I need sometime to breathe.

Why must life still go on when I feel the world crumbling around my ears?

There is guilt that life, as mundane as it is, still goes on, plods along…  even though all I wanna do is curl up in a ball and forget my pain.

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